And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
