for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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