is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
