Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
