I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
