first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
