you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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