cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
