Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
