just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
