there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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