just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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