Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
