She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
