I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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