I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
