And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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