My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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