I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
