My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
