I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
