Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
