I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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