Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
