his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
