when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
