so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
