Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
