Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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