so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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