lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
