dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
