I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You pole danced in your parka.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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