My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
