Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
