i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
