Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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