She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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