remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
