If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
