4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
