When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
