the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
