Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
