Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
