i love accidental penises.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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