i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
