my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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