I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
