Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
